Observing A Nation Divided

There is something inexplicably neat about getting to know another human being: who they are, where they come from, what kind of family they grew up in, their outlook on the world, their hopes and fears, the struggles in life that they have overcome and those that they are seeking to overcome. These things fascinate me. 

A byproduct of this fascination is that I love getting people together. If I know two people and I think they would enjoy each other’s company, I can’t wait to get them in the same room—to have their spheres intersect and their stories overlap.

But I’ve learned over the years that, just because I like two people, and even if I think they have a lot in common, that doesn’t mean that they will like each other.

Back when I was newly married, I befriended two women. One had escaped a physically abusive marriage in which her incredibly controlling husband ran her life. When they had their daughter, she quit her job to stay home, and the little autonomy and self-worth she had held on to at work was taken away. Her husband controlled everything she did, where she was allowed to go, who she was allowed to see, and that didn’t amount to many people. Escaping that abusive situation had been difficult, required a lot of bravery, and she was still reeling from the scars. She and her fiancé were visiting our church and we had gotten to know each other in that context.

The other woman who I befriended was young and happily married to a great guy. But she was going through some medical issues that called into question whether or not she would be able to get pregnant. She longed to have children and stay home with them, and the situation weighed heavily on her heart day after day.

There was a beauty and brokenness in each of these women that I thought the other could relate to. In fact, I thought that they would be able to understand and empathize with each other more than I could empathize with either of them. Both were newer to the area and looking for friends, so I suggested we have lunch.

Things went fairly well until we somehow waded into the topic of having children. I can’t remember how it came up, but the woman who desperately wanted children made the comment that being able to stay home with your kids was such a privilege and that she hoped to be able to do so. The other woman, in a friendly attempt to pass down some hard-earned wisdom, said something like, “Yeah but don’t count out working. You may find that you just need time to be away from your kid and around other adults.” The first woman was taken aback and immediately assumed that the woman across the table from her didn’t value children and family. The tension escalated before I could even wrap my head around what was happening. Each of them had no context for the other’s remarks and they soon jumped to the conclusion that they were being judged by an enemy hostile to their very way of life. For months after that I tried to explain to each of them why the other had been so offended, but neither would listen. Ironically, they both gave me the same answer: “Oh I know what women like her think.”

Sadly, this is how I feel about our nation right now. We have lots of disagreements. In many ways, we have competing visions of the world. But sadly, I don’t think we often understand why. I see people who I know and love on both sides create caricatures of their perceived political enemies and then I wonder if they have ever actually talked to someone on the other side of the aisle about anything beyond soundbites. I’m not discounting the fact that we have real differences, or that there are people in Washington who have preyed on them and sown division for a whole host of reasons other than governing well, but I’m talking about really understanding why someone would vote the way they do, not based on your judgment of them, but based on their own understanding of what’s going on.

I fear for our country. I fear for our country because we fear each other so much, and in some cases rightfully. I don’t want to downplay the validity of the fears that people have on both sides, but I do think that this fear is exacerbated by the immense misunderstandings that I see all over Twitter, Facebook, and the media.

I’m sure, like everyone else, that I am not objective when I talk about politics. Who can ever be completely objective? But I do earnestly try to listen to people and understand where they are coming from. It’s not because I’m so empathetic or loving or special. I’d certainly love to be able to take credit for that. It’s because, for whatever reason, God has wired me to be fascinated by the questions of why people do the things they do, think the way they do, and make the decisions that they make. 

All over social media, I am seeing people making claims about why people voted for Trump. For four years I have watched the media and liberal politicians try to woo Trump voters, clearly having no understanding of why they vote the way they do and, by the looks of the tactics they’ve tried, assuming the worst about their intelligence and their motivations. I plan on writing a post soon about what I’ve observed over the past few administrations as far as how the culture has shifted and what I think are the actual motivations that drive people to vote for a candidate like Donald Trump. I think this is important for never-Trumpers on the right who want to shape policy and for people on the left who really do want our country to be kinder and less divided. But mainly, I’m just writing it because I can’t sleep again, and these are the kinds of questions that keep me up at night and that I want to sort out for myself.